Sunday, April 3, 2011

I think too much.

*takes off glasses dramatically*
There's so much to do, and so little time to do it.
Somebody must have said it before. I'm so boring.

But it's true! I want to do so many things! I want to study for the huge exam I have coming up! I want to make a thousand WC and Castle videos with all the songs I know! I want to write an article on Tim Dekay (even though so many people already have) and I want to sleep. Zzz...

School got over a couple of days ago. I managed not to cry that much (that much) until I went down, knowing I'd have to run away before I saw one particular person leave, but no, she had to call me before I could make it out. It would have been Anupama, but I managed to believe that we could call each other and gush about Matt Bomer's hat or that Tim Dekay's smile is awesome, but Pavithra.

A bad quality picture of four of the five I always ramble about.
The background is the hostel we stayed in (sob! Doesn't look good in this pic! It's not that bad, actually.)The middle, standing one is Pavithra.

I joined my school four years ago. My parents wanted me to join this four year integrated program  for boards and IITJEE together. The first two years went well. But after that, I found out I just couldn't balance the two together as much as I tried, and well, both of them went (whoosh) down.  

The first person I met was her. Or, rephrasing that, the longest time I knew a person and was so, so close with them was her. Four whole years. The four years I took to grow up were almost completely next to her. Doesn't everyone have a person like that? A person you can bang on the head and expect to be banged back, but it'll happen when you're not expecting it, in front of people you'd be embarrassed by? Hee. Tenth grade.

We used to compare our similarities. No offence to anyone, but we're the exact same caste, we came from the same city, we both got the same salt for practicals, we have younger ones who're admirable (Ugh. I'll tell you that story later), we both wore red saris to our farewell - we even expected to be in the same batch during shuffling in 11th. That didn't happen, and I blame getting in one higher batch than her to OMR screening errors. Bleah. She always got higher than me. 

This one time, we decided to check out who got higher marks in French. She's like this 99 scorer in that area, and I'm like this Blah, in French. 

Oh God. We got the exact same marks in that test. Poor her. It's fate, I'm telling you.

We didn't really share the same interests. She would say her favorite book was COP (Snicker. That's Concepts Of Physics. Geez.). If I said that, people would be like WHAT?  

There was this time in twelfth grade that we decided to attend this extra KVPY class, just as an excuse so the four of us(KP and Akila, also close to me, also studied four year integrated with me) could be together, probably one last time[?]. We went to this teacher we'd heard of, and he said he's teaching at 5, would we be interested? 

Fifteen minutes into the class, we realized the class was for eleventh graders. Shucks, man.  

The teaching was awesome. ;) He said sine waves were sometimes happy, sometimes sad, and he kept getting jumpy, and happy, and I couldn't stop laughing in the second-to-last bench whenever he did that, squeezed in the corner with kids in front of me (actually my age, probably, but my juniors) blocking me from his sight, and Pavithra kept pinching my arm because she wasn't being blocked, and me laughing and he jumping was really too much for her.

KP, this shy girl who never gets up in class, got up in class after being ushered by me and Pavi and Aki and a couple of BH guys who were in our class in ninth and tenth who got caught in this class also thinking it was for our standard. All the six of us couldn't stop laughing, since he never really answered her and she gives perfect reactions to when that happens to her. 

Class got over at 8:30 PM. It was an awesome three hours.

The first day I met Pavithra was on April 29th, 2007. I had come to school wearing a ratty old orange outfit, and Pavithra had short, neat bob-cut hair. We got packages, and I remember we were like "Wow! Packages!" with big, glowing, interested eyes. If you were a student in my school, you'd know what I feel like now. 

We sat together on the bed, and covered the answers to the solved problems one by one with our fingers and tried to figure them out (ROFL now). 

KP and Akila were like the second batch who got merged with our class one month later, so we were the two who knew each other the longest, who were in the hostel the longest. 

No. Actually, she was. I left the hostel a year ago and came to school as a day-scholar. Lot's of sobbing for a year after.

So I watched her pack her stuff to go home the ten days we have for IITJEE to get over. There were a couple of other people around, but I kept thinking, "Oh my gosh, this is it, this is the day I always visualized in my mind as the day we're going to leave each other. This is it."

I buried my face into the bed and pretended to sleep, but hell, she's known me for four years, so she knew I was crying without even looking at me.

She told me to leave. Go home. But at that moment, I didn't want to. I knew I'd go home and feel bad I left so early. 

I left that room and slowly walked over to Akila, who was alone in our hostel canteen, crying to herself like she did four years ago when she came (Vibrating, the three of us used to joke). I sat next to her, and cried horribly at every word she said.

Then I knew I had to get the hell out of there, unless I wanted to die from water-loss.

So I hugged everyone, carefully avoiding falling in her gaze, didn't hug Anupama, it would be too much for me, and left.

Four years...

"Sottai!" Drat. 

I knew it was obvious I heard her, so I turned around. Pavithra was logging her bags and climbing into the auto I didn't even know had come.

"Enna, jute ayidalaam nu paathiyaa?"

She's the one who told me to leave. Now she's asking me, what, you thought you could leave without telling me?

I turned away, and smiled, what I always do when I cry, hoping it would cover up the fact that I'm actually freaking going to miss her.

The silence was telling. She touched my shoulder, said something I never figured out, since I was too busy trying to turn away since the fake smile was useless.

Then she climbed into the auto with her father and left. She left. Drove out of my life forever. Just one look back at me and she left.

I walked away, ignoring the people who were calling me from behind, since I'm not a coward in my mind, I don't cry, in my mind. I never like to. I just pat people on the shoulder and console them, I never cry, nuh-uh. 

But everyone knew I was crying.

I caught an auto on the street. I leaned back and sobbed, my face pulling in, tears staining the uniform I was never, ever going to wear again. 

I took a tissue out of my bag and wiped up my face. The auto stopped at a traffic signal, I sniffed, putting the tissue back in my bag, and then, "Minitha!"

You've got to be kidding me.

I turned to my side, and Pavithra's in the auto next to me, this tiny smile on her face. 

I don't smile. I give this "Oh please," expression, and turn away, and then I turn back, realizing she really is there, and she's still leaning out and smiling sadly. I shake my head at her, and the traffic signal turns green. I don't say bye, since I don't have the strength to, and I don't want to. I look at my lap, the auto moves forward fast, and I cry all over again like some psycho. I don't look up the next time the auto stops.

My mom gasped when she opened the door. I looked like hell. Ask my mirror if you want.

I lied on my bed, looking at the ceiling, wondering what a good story it would be if Pavithra called.

My phone rang. 'Pavihos', it read on the display. Then it ended.

I knew I was dreaming. But the caller ID kept flashing at me as "one missed call". I took it in my hand.

Do you want me to call? I texted.

"Sot." I sniffed once she picked up.
She was at the railway station, alone. She told me not to be an idiot, this isn't the end, this is the B.E.G.I.N.N.I.N.G, it seems, and a small "yeah, right," comes out of my mouth. I listen to what she's saying as I opened my laptop, and she said she was doing the same thing, looking at her father's laptop. 

We talked for a short time. She said she'd ping me on FB if she noticed me, but I didn't show up. 

The end of tenth grade. We look horrible in this picture. That's the problem of being hostelers. You're not allowed to carry cameras, and when you are, it's the last day, when everyone's crying and sad. So yeah, we look two years older, not younger, than we actually are.

Sad endings aren't my thing. But I never really did have any closure with her. So, yeah. I think too much.

By the way, if you know Tamil, the reason everyone calls me "Sottai" is solely because there was a time I called everyone that. Solely.

  I have the best friends on Earth. :)


  1. It's weird how you keep calling Kaviyah KP. And you've picked up a lot of blahs from me.

    Maybe you shouldn't have cropped aunty out of the last picture. :) She's a part of the memories too, you know. Funny how I just thought of Nalini and smiled. Lol. :)

    Solving each problem in the package - MAJOR LOL! :D I KNOW!! :D

    And Pavi is right. It's just the beginning. Really. :)

    P.s: I think you could've done way better with the writing. I can see only occasional touches of you. I can see it came in a gush and you didn't bother to correct or rephrase much later, if at all.

    I can relate to it totally.
    Fiitjee can do that to you. :)

  2. And hey!

    "... the reason everyone calls me "Sottai" is solely because there was a time I called everyone that. Solely."

    I AM NOT buying that! :P
    I am pretty sure Pavi and the rest will second me!

  3. I think that's the most positive comment I could ever get! Thanks! :D ;)

  4. And it wasn't Nalini! It was someone else. :)

    YES! Solving packages. Very seriously(Shh!).

    What? It's the beginning? :o

    The writing wasn't me, was it? Darn. I tried to be sophisticated, that's why. ;)

    Like I said, I know Pavithra will jump up and down pointing at the screen, saying "That's not true!"

  5. It was le aunty?
    I said it just reminded me of Nalini. OF course I can look at your 'mature' [argh!] faces and see it could not have been in that time.

    Sp & Me.
    Trust me.

  6. Nuh uh. It wasn't her, either.

    Not the beginning. That happens in one in a million cases. Come on.